Minority Leader by Stacey Abrams

Author:Stacey Abrams
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Henry Holt and Co.

HELP THEM HELP YOU

Building real connections that make up a broad network is most effective when you learn how to be helped. With the proliferation of the mentor myth, I find too many have false expectations of the relationship. More than once, I’ve been asked to be a mentor, as though there’s some “mentor handbook” with a set of instructions. Worse, those who ask to be mentored tend to have only a vague notion of what they want. Fundamentally, the responsibility is on you, as the mentee, to create the mentorship that you want and manage expectations, especially your own. Each person in your network will have a personal style of engagement, and you should understand how to be easy to support.

Something I learned early on is if someone says, “I want to help you,” believe her. I later understood what they mean is “Help me help you.” Recognize that the person has a number of other holds on his time. Tiffany and I have a regular check-in every three months. She sets a time on my schedule, prepares her questions, and we chat for nearly an hour. This type of structure is not required, but it works for us. Of course, she can always contact me when a need arises; however, we have this formal ongoing check-in to provide structure and regularity. And do not wait for your mentor to reach out to you—that’s your job. You don’t want to be a stalker, but you want to be aggressive in your curiosity. Ask important questions that you need answers to that you can’t find anywhere else. The corollary to that is not to ask questions just so you can sound like you have something to say.

Second, don’t wait for them to offer aid. Ask for what you need. You are intimately involved in your daily life and aware of the complexity of your situation. No one else has that insight. Reach out when you must, and be prepared to connect the dots. Some people just like to complain and have someone listen. Thus, it is your responsibility to affirmatively ask for engagement and support. Do not drop hints—they’ll lie on the ground forever. Do not anticipate the response, and give them a chance to help or decline, but don’t decide for them. Do not extrapolate: a “no” or a failure to help on one issue should not lead to an existential crisis about the relationship. If your mentor has helped before but doesn’t this time, ask why. The worst reaction is to spin out a false theory rather than gain useful information.

Third, become a mentor yourself. The best way to learn how to manage a good mentoring relationship is to be in one yourself. In every facet of my career, I’ve been privileged to offer those opportunities to young people. By working with Tiffany and others, I have developed a better sense of how to leverage those wonderful women and men who have helped me along the way.

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